I just watched the video First Kiss. What I found funny was the initial awkwardness of the kisses, in Ireland most people my age had their first kisses with a total stranger-and a lot of their subsequent kisses, we have become skilled in the art of connecting with strangers.
What is fascinating is that despite the initial awkwardness, most of the kisses are spectacular, the kind you see people in movies having with someone they love, they look the way all your best kisses have felt (there are, admittedly one or two that area little awkward also, like the beginnings of most of my own relationships.).
It got me thinking about just how bizarre the act of kissing is.
I like you. I'm gonna press my mouth against you. And maybe my tongue.
But it has become oddly important. If a kiss is bad, it can spoil a moment, or even a potential romance. And if a kiss is spectacular, it can make you think you have a stronger connection with someone than you really do. I have met some truly lovely, lovely guys who made me laugh and were interesting and thoughtful, but kissing them actually put me off them, it made them less attractive because it was like we just weren't connecting.
Then there have been people that you never really thought of that way, or if you did you never thought it would be a good idea or work out, and then one day you kiss (usually because of boredom, a dare, alcohol or just silliness or loneliness) and you feel like maybe it makes sense, maybe you just didn't realise what might be there, maybe you really do have a connection.
The truth is neither of these things is a reflection of your relationship with the person, in the end it just boils down to how people kiss, and some people are better than others. Though as far as my experience goes, even if someone is the worst kisser in the world, if you like them enough it doesn't matter, you'll find a way to work past it. But the best kisses can often be the most unexpected, the ones that resolve things, the ones that change things, the ones that came out of nowhere, the ones that surprise you, the ones with someone who you never realised cared that way. A kiss, like a smile, can be just what it is, or it can be so much more, and part of its power is in the unknown, the inability to know precisely in the moment that it is happening just what it means, you just have to feel it and it makes you forget that you even need to know. So even if its awkward before it has happened, or after, while it's happening, a good kiss takes over, nothing exists but the feeling and the moment. Perhaps that's why even now in the overly sexualised era we live in, kisses are still just a little bit special, a little bit powerful, and very definitely special.
Tuesday 11 March 2014
Little connections
Today I looked over the stats for my blog, sometimes it is interesting to see what people read, what people ignored, what people plus-oned. Not so much to influence my writing, but to influence my personality. What I share here is a lot like what I share in real interactions, just less filtered, less self conscious, because even though I know people I will see read this, and even though I know real people read this, I feel I don't have anything to hide here.
It is really encouraging to see positive responses to things that are dear to my heart. At the end of the day, even though most of what I write here is just disjointed thoughts, writing is my passion. It makes me happy. Reading, writing, poetry, novels, theatre; even essays or just learning new words - written expression is art to me. Nothing soothes the soul like engaging with art and words are a way that we do that every day. Even when you say 'blah-b;ah-blah' or 'y'know?' or just breathe out heavily as you cast around for the word - this is expression, this is connecting with other people, this is giving a part of what is in you to someone else, and making them part of the process of the giving. I can't help thinking that is really beautiful. They may not keep that part of you, they may not remember it, it may not have any sort of effect on them, but, in that moment of the telling, in the transferring of thought to speech and speech to hearing to thought, you are linked to someone else. There is something perfect in that. Something as raw and necessary as eye contact, or a touch, or a smile.
When I see that someone has read something I wrote, it feels like when you make eye contact briefly with someone across a crowded train, when you brush against the person next to you as you sit down on a bus, when you do the awkward side-to-side shuffle as you try to pass someone on the street and you move the same way, when someone smile at you from across the park. It does not mean a thing, but for a brief moment, you are connected to someone-total stranger or best friend - that awkward laugh, quick glance away, nod of thanks or mumble of 'sorry' is a spark that jumps between two souls. We never know the effect a glance or a smile or even an apology fro stepping on their toes can mean to a person. It is a fleeting reminder that we are part of a bigger picture, a little integral part of society and the universe at large.
It is amazing to me that something so organic, can be so much more special than we really realise.
It is really encouraging to see positive responses to things that are dear to my heart. At the end of the day, even though most of what I write here is just disjointed thoughts, writing is my passion. It makes me happy. Reading, writing, poetry, novels, theatre; even essays or just learning new words - written expression is art to me. Nothing soothes the soul like engaging with art and words are a way that we do that every day. Even when you say 'blah-b;ah-blah' or 'y'know?' or just breathe out heavily as you cast around for the word - this is expression, this is connecting with other people, this is giving a part of what is in you to someone else, and making them part of the process of the giving. I can't help thinking that is really beautiful. They may not keep that part of you, they may not remember it, it may not have any sort of effect on them, but, in that moment of the telling, in the transferring of thought to speech and speech to hearing to thought, you are linked to someone else. There is something perfect in that. Something as raw and necessary as eye contact, or a touch, or a smile.
When I see that someone has read something I wrote, it feels like when you make eye contact briefly with someone across a crowded train, when you brush against the person next to you as you sit down on a bus, when you do the awkward side-to-side shuffle as you try to pass someone on the street and you move the same way, when someone smile at you from across the park. It does not mean a thing, but for a brief moment, you are connected to someone-total stranger or best friend - that awkward laugh, quick glance away, nod of thanks or mumble of 'sorry' is a spark that jumps between two souls. We never know the effect a glance or a smile or even an apology fro stepping on their toes can mean to a person. It is a fleeting reminder that we are part of a bigger picture, a little integral part of society and the universe at large.
It is amazing to me that something so organic, can be so much more special than we really realise.
Thursday 6 March 2014
I am not what I seem
I am not what you think I am.
Today I had one of those days where an unusually high number of people were staring at me.
I'm a quirky person so I occasionally get looks when out an about if I am dressed especially flamboyantly. Occasionally people just do a second take at m brightly coloured hair.
Today really got me thinking though about the reactions I've been getting since my early teens.
I've never been a huge fan of convention, I never wanted to look the same as everyone else. I always liked the idea of being an individual.
Recently a friend of mine suggested that I use my quirkiness as a front for who 'I really am' rather than that it is a representation of who I am. That killed me inside. I always wear who I am on my sleeve - I am an upfront person when you speak to me and what you see is what you get. Yes I do dye my hair unusual colours but not because I'm insecure about who I am naturally but because I like how it looks. I feel like it puts the me inside onto the outside.
Unfortunately for me a lot of people see a nose ring or a shaved undercut or blue hair or a hip tattoo and think that they know what it means, what it says about you. Unfortunately a huge generation see it as 'rebellious' they think it means I'm wild r hardcore or rude or even kinky. Others think its 'hipster' try-hard, deliberately quirky, a front to try make myself more 'interesting'. No one just thinks -that's a person.
I guess I make it easier for people to make snap assumptions by being different. I think if i was my natural brunette, simple makeup and jeans and a t-shirt no one one bat an eyelid. No one would think they have a right to stare at me, or nudge the person next to them, look me up and down or make a comment that I can almost hear. People think that if you have a strong look or personality that you are confident - that they can judge you because you've ''put yourself out there to be judged'. I feel self-conscious more than most because I am not entirely confident with my body and I worry about my personality. People mistake my loudness for bolshy-ness and confidence when it's just the result of always wanting to be heard in a biggish family, or in a classroom. I feel like no matter how much I try to put my real self and my real values, opinions and personality out there for people to see people still make assumptions, they still listen to rumours and they still think they know me when they've never taken the time to really see me.
I think the quirky types, and the self conscious types, will always have a more open mind, they will always be more inclined to reserve judgement, because they have always felt judged.The more you want people to understand you and see your character, the more you observe others, and appreciate the nuances of theirs. I just hope the next time someone sees me with stars on my face or stripy knee socks or an over-the-top outfit they just think 'more power to her'. When I see someone, before I think of making any judgement I remind myself that 'that's what makes them happy'. We each have our own quirks, insecurities, passions and journeys, so don't think you know someone until they've told you theirs.
Today I had one of those days where an unusually high number of people were staring at me.
I'm a quirky person so I occasionally get looks when out an about if I am dressed especially flamboyantly. Occasionally people just do a second take at m brightly coloured hair.
Today really got me thinking though about the reactions I've been getting since my early teens.
I've never been a huge fan of convention, I never wanted to look the same as everyone else. I always liked the idea of being an individual.
Recently a friend of mine suggested that I use my quirkiness as a front for who 'I really am' rather than that it is a representation of who I am. That killed me inside. I always wear who I am on my sleeve - I am an upfront person when you speak to me and what you see is what you get. Yes I do dye my hair unusual colours but not because I'm insecure about who I am naturally but because I like how it looks. I feel like it puts the me inside onto the outside.
Unfortunately for me a lot of people see a nose ring or a shaved undercut or blue hair or a hip tattoo and think that they know what it means, what it says about you. Unfortunately a huge generation see it as 'rebellious' they think it means I'm wild r hardcore or rude or even kinky. Others think its 'hipster' try-hard, deliberately quirky, a front to try make myself more 'interesting'. No one just thinks -that's a person.
I guess I make it easier for people to make snap assumptions by being different. I think if i was my natural brunette, simple makeup and jeans and a t-shirt no one one bat an eyelid. No one would think they have a right to stare at me, or nudge the person next to them, look me up and down or make a comment that I can almost hear. People think that if you have a strong look or personality that you are confident - that they can judge you because you've ''put yourself out there to be judged'. I feel self-conscious more than most because I am not entirely confident with my body and I worry about my personality. People mistake my loudness for bolshy-ness and confidence when it's just the result of always wanting to be heard in a biggish family, or in a classroom. I feel like no matter how much I try to put my real self and my real values, opinions and personality out there for people to see people still make assumptions, they still listen to rumours and they still think they know me when they've never taken the time to really see me.
I think the quirky types, and the self conscious types, will always have a more open mind, they will always be more inclined to reserve judgement, because they have always felt judged.The more you want people to understand you and see your character, the more you observe others, and appreciate the nuances of theirs. I just hope the next time someone sees me with stars on my face or stripy knee socks or an over-the-top outfit they just think 'more power to her'. When I see someone, before I think of making any judgement I remind myself that 'that's what makes them happy'. We each have our own quirks, insecurities, passions and journeys, so don't think you know someone until they've told you theirs.
Saturday 1 March 2014
the best
I don't blog about my best friends enough.
For so many years you have so many close friends, and even now I'm lucky enough to have lots of best friends. The difference with a very best friend is that it;' a lot like being in love, even when they drive you completely crazy or they don't understand you or they're annoying or selfish it never makes you want to stop being friends with them. It irritates you more than normal people because you know you have to put up with it forever. But you don't care because you know that they put up with all the pain-in-the-ass aspects of you. You know that, at the end of the day, even the biggest fight between you wouldn't stop them coming over if you really needed them.
My best friend has become the sister I never had. We share everything and sometimes we want to murder each other and occasionally we make comments on each others appearances and occasionally we even fight about boys. We've known each other for more than 6 years now and during that time so much has changed. We've become more like one another than we ever thought we would be.
It's kind of my perfect example for how you become who you are based on the people around you. I probably would never think about myself first if it weren't for her, and she probably wouldn't be half as goofy if it weren't for putting up with me.
I think the thing that is better about the love you feel for a best friend is that it doesn't get in the way like romantic love. It doesn't make you selfish or stupid, it doesn't close out other opportunities and it doesn't make you neurotic and obsessive and constantly analytical the way romantic love can. Friend love only makes you a better person, it only makes your life easier, more fun, more full.
All my greatest adventures, goofiest moments, the smiles that follow tears, the days where you do nothing but it's somehow fun, those are always going to be with my friends. The moments with someone you love are a different kind of special, the kind that once they're over, or the relationship is over, it is hard to relive. The memories you make with your friends though, those are the ones that will always last in the truest sense-in the way that makes you smile or cringe or even well up a little or just sigh with satisfaction. That's why they're 'best' friends -because all the best things in life and in yourself come from having them.
For so many years you have so many close friends, and even now I'm lucky enough to have lots of best friends. The difference with a very best friend is that it;' a lot like being in love, even when they drive you completely crazy or they don't understand you or they're annoying or selfish it never makes you want to stop being friends with them. It irritates you more than normal people because you know you have to put up with it forever. But you don't care because you know that they put up with all the pain-in-the-ass aspects of you. You know that, at the end of the day, even the biggest fight between you wouldn't stop them coming over if you really needed them.
My best friend has become the sister I never had. We share everything and sometimes we want to murder each other and occasionally we make comments on each others appearances and occasionally we even fight about boys. We've known each other for more than 6 years now and during that time so much has changed. We've become more like one another than we ever thought we would be.
It's kind of my perfect example for how you become who you are based on the people around you. I probably would never think about myself first if it weren't for her, and she probably wouldn't be half as goofy if it weren't for putting up with me.
I think the thing that is better about the love you feel for a best friend is that it doesn't get in the way like romantic love. It doesn't make you selfish or stupid, it doesn't close out other opportunities and it doesn't make you neurotic and obsessive and constantly analytical the way romantic love can. Friend love only makes you a better person, it only makes your life easier, more fun, more full.
All my greatest adventures, goofiest moments, the smiles that follow tears, the days where you do nothing but it's somehow fun, those are always going to be with my friends. The moments with someone you love are a different kind of special, the kind that once they're over, or the relationship is over, it is hard to relive. The memories you make with your friends though, those are the ones that will always last in the truest sense-in the way that makes you smile or cringe or even well up a little or just sigh with satisfaction. That's why they're 'best' friends -because all the best things in life and in yourself come from having them.
What do we want?
I don't think I will ever fully understand only wanting what you can't have.
I have never wanted something merely for the thrill of the forbidden-ness of it. I have never coveted a friend's ex, never fancied a guy cos he had a girlfriend, I have never thought about stealing something because I can't afford it, I have never loved someone because they don't love me back.
I think it's because I have an innate need to be secure in all my decisions, when I enter into something I always know exactly how important it is to me and how much I am committing to it. I never risk anything on a changeable feeling.
If i kiss someone just because I felt like kissing them, I'll make sure they don't think it's love. If I like someone enough to flirt with them, it's because I'm hoping something will come out of it.
Recently I have been on the wrong side of other people's momentary whims. People who want me, or something from me, because they can't have it. Once they get it they don't want it anymore.
My ex wanting to talk to me, until he's got out all his stress and then he's gone, leaving me drained and lonely.
Boys texting you all weekend only to tell you when they see you that they aren't sure this is such a good idea.
It hurts you if you commit to things and it hurts you if you avoid committing for your own protection. In the end it seems like no one gets what they want except for the people who have no idea where they're going. The happiest people I know do whatever they want in the moment and ignore the consequences and are only unhappy when the consequences come home to roost. And even then only temporarily.
Those of us who spend our lives cautiously making sure we burn no bridges soon discover that we never really finish building any new ones because we're upkeeping everything that's already there and doing nothing for us.
But being proactive doesn't yield many rewards because those of us who are shy, and careful, we can't fully be assertive because it might mean cancelling something or cutting someone out or letting go of something. We've been hurt enough that we're terrified of causing pain. But honesty and being easy-going aren't enough.
I have never wanted something merely for the thrill of the forbidden-ness of it. I have never coveted a friend's ex, never fancied a guy cos he had a girlfriend, I have never thought about stealing something because I can't afford it, I have never loved someone because they don't love me back.
I think it's because I have an innate need to be secure in all my decisions, when I enter into something I always know exactly how important it is to me and how much I am committing to it. I never risk anything on a changeable feeling.
If i kiss someone just because I felt like kissing them, I'll make sure they don't think it's love. If I like someone enough to flirt with them, it's because I'm hoping something will come out of it.
Recently I have been on the wrong side of other people's momentary whims. People who want me, or something from me, because they can't have it. Once they get it they don't want it anymore.
My ex wanting to talk to me, until he's got out all his stress and then he's gone, leaving me drained and lonely.
Boys texting you all weekend only to tell you when they see you that they aren't sure this is such a good idea.
It hurts you if you commit to things and it hurts you if you avoid committing for your own protection. In the end it seems like no one gets what they want except for the people who have no idea where they're going. The happiest people I know do whatever they want in the moment and ignore the consequences and are only unhappy when the consequences come home to roost. And even then only temporarily.
Those of us who spend our lives cautiously making sure we burn no bridges soon discover that we never really finish building any new ones because we're upkeeping everything that's already there and doing nothing for us.
But being proactive doesn't yield many rewards because those of us who are shy, and careful, we can't fully be assertive because it might mean cancelling something or cutting someone out or letting go of something. We've been hurt enough that we're terrified of causing pain. But honesty and being easy-going aren't enough.
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