Sunday, 20 April 2014

Crazy in love

One of the hardest things I had to do was to admit to myself that my anxiety and depression were a part of me that I would maybe be rid of. Coming to terms with the fact that there might always be the chance of having a bad day, of never being completely secure in my mental health was a really terrifying thought.  The only thing that is harder is trying to explain mental health episodes to someone who has never suffered from them.
Anxiety can cause sudden mood swings and changes of heart and can sometimes make you feel stressed and uncomfortable in situations where people wouldn't expect it, or where you were perfectly alright moments before. Because of this, I have become pathologically upfront about my feelings, I feel a need to talk, explain and assess situation constantly. I know that the only thing more difficult than suddenly feeling uncomfortable in an intimate moment, or stressed and introverted at a party, is when people can't understand why because that makes the situation all the more stressful. Unfortunately, some people aren't talkers or sharers.
I recently found that in romantic relationships, some people aren't good communicators. Guys tend to prefer to play things close to their chest and aren't very upfront about their feelings. This makes it difficult for someone like me, anxious people need a lot of reassurance particularly in vulnerable situations. Also, because I always explain any behavioural changes of my own, I find it hard when other people don't, I worry and obsess over what it means and usually feel like it's somehow my fault.
It terrifies me to think that this vulnerability of mine might make me look like I'm coming on too strong and I worry about the intensity of my mental health. When you have a bad day, you don't want to be around yourself so it's hard to imagine anyone else wanting to be around you, it's why so many people cover it up when they struggle with mental health because the only thing worse than lowliness is feeling that you're a burden on someone. I think mental health will always be a little misunderstood but I like to hope there is someone out there willing to try to understand my daily struggles and support me through them, the way my mentally healthy friends and family have had to learn to.

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