Wednesday, 7 January 2015

not so secret me

For a long time this blog has been one of those places where I talk about all the things I don't like to broadcast too much to the people I see every day. The things I don't want to define me but have for some time, my insecurities, my issues with my ex, my coming to terms with my mental health problems and even, occasionally, my fights with my friends.
That's not to say that these things are secrets, if they were I certainly wouldn't put my name on this blog (that said I actually don't know how to anonymise it, tips in the comments if you're in the know). I've always been a very open person, I'd rather be upfront about my insecurities, feelings and opinions than have someone who doesn't understand them try to interpret a reaction caused by these internal issues.
Today, I revealed to my new boyfriend some details of my mental health history. While he knew I had anxiety, he didn't know I'd been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, that I had symptoms of OCD when stressed, that I'd had depression or, perhaps the most difficult to admit, that I'd had an eating disorder.
One of the things I worry most about in my relationship is that I have all sorts of things wrong with me and I get nervous that someone like him might not want all the extra drama a person like me can bring. I think for a person who has always been more or less mentally and physically healthy, it might be overwhelming to constantly be around someone who has to take regular medication, has a bowel condition, mental health problems and, in the short time you've dated has had a serious dramatic fallout with an ex and spent time in hospital for emergency surgery.
My whole dating life I have always been worried about scaring people away. Scratch that, in all my relationships I worry more about overwhelming the other person than I do about myself. Only in the last two years have a found that precious give and take balance that comes when you have exactly the right people in your life. Luckily for me, no matter what secrets I might let out, my guy takes them on because, according to him, it only makes it easier to love me, easier to help me when I'm struggling and easier to understand me, build me up and take care of me. When he says this I realise I've always shared this outlook, but never really applied this to myself. I guess the more the other person reveals, the more you can grow together and individually. For the first time ever, I don't feel self-conscious in my relationship, my feelings or myself, because I know I've met someone who sees anything that's a part of me to be something worth caring for. And his acceptance, makes it easier for me to forget my secret shames, well to accept them at least, as part of my past, and not the most important part of me.

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