Friday, 11 December 2015

I miss being independently creative. I miss writing stories and drawing pictures not just doodling and typing up articles for other people. I miss when a story would pour out of me like it wasn't so much a part of me as the universe using me as its instrument. I miss seeing a beautiful thing and wanting to capture it or share it. I miss finding myself in fantasies instead of building myself out of completed tasks and assignments. I am always on the edge of feeling like I'm losing myself in the things I care about, instead of caring about the things I lose myself in. I am scared to let go and scared of what holding on means. Scared that making a decision one way or another will destroy a world, will destroy a side of me that may never get to fully develop. The curse of loving too many things or having more than one passion or gift is that you can't fully give yourself to one thing, that part of you would rather have you be decent at several things but keep all of them, than truly flourish at one thing but always know that you left things behind. So I compromise, I collaborate and I contribute - so that my gifts teamed with those of others can create the magnificent thing I can't, or am too scared to, make alone. I don't want to be seen as marvelous when I'm doing something to what I feel is my lowest capability. And I hope when I work with other they give their all as much as I do. 

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