Saturday, 1 March 2014

What do we want?

I don't think I will ever fully understand only wanting what you can't have.
I have never wanted something merely for the thrill of the forbidden-ness of it. I have never coveted a friend's ex, never fancied a guy cos he had a girlfriend, I have never thought about stealing something because I can't afford it, I have never loved someone because they don't love me back.
I think it's because I have an innate need to be secure in all my decisions, when I enter into something I always know exactly how important it is to me and how much I am committing to it. I never risk anything on a changeable feeling.
If i kiss someone just because I felt like kissing them, I'll make sure they don't think it's love. If I like someone enough to flirt with them, it's because I'm hoping something will come out of it.
Recently I have been on the wrong side of other people's momentary whims. People who want me, or something from me, because they can't have it. Once they get it they don't want it anymore.
My ex wanting to talk to me, until he's got out all his stress and then he's gone, leaving me drained and lonely.
Boys texting you all weekend only to tell you when they see you that they aren't sure this is such a good idea.
It hurts you if you commit to things and it hurts you if you avoid committing for your own protection. In the end it seems like no one gets what they want except for the people who have no idea where they're going. The happiest people I know do whatever they want in the moment and ignore the consequences and are only unhappy when the consequences come home to roost. And even then only temporarily.
Those of us who spend our lives cautiously making sure we burn no bridges soon discover that we never really finish building any new ones because we're upkeeping everything that's already there and doing nothing for us.
But being proactive doesn't yield many rewards because those of us who are shy, and careful, we can't fully be assertive because it might mean cancelling something or cutting someone out or letting go of something. We've been hurt enough that we're terrified of causing pain. But honesty and being easy-going aren't enough.

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