I was informed last night by a friend and follower that today marks one week since I have blogged anything here and I am horrified by my neglect. I was, I'll admit, aware that I had slipped somewhat in my level of dedication to my writing life this last week but it was never far from my mind that I really must write something and how dreadful it was that I hadn't. That is the dreadful thing about commitment to anything, even something you enjoy; it is inextricably linked with guilt.
To me I have always been a committed individual, to my friends, to my studies, to a varied myriad of hobbies and extra-curricular activities. Up until college I prided myself on my above and beyond dedication to everything I applied myself to even though at times this caused me considerable stress and strain and left me with precious little free time in which to eat, sleep or even study.
Now though, I confess to having lost this committed aspect of my personality somewhat- due to the forced idleness of a prolonged injury and the lack of dependence upon me to fulfil any particular duties. I feel myself to be at sea in a world of optional responsibilities-which seems to me a vexing oxymoron. In my mind a responsibility is something you must do for fear of letting someone else (or even yourself) down, or for fear of falling behind in some area of your life. A responsibility doesn't seem like it can be 'optional'.
For me the lack of pressure, be it from my lecturers or my own mind, is making it difficult to discern just how important things are. I used to hold everything to roughly the same degree of importance-failing to turn in homework was just as bad as not studying for a test, not sufficiently researching my debate, skipping a training session or even bailing on or putting off social engagements. Because of the recovery period of my injury my time is relieved of much of the weight of responsibility that hobbies and physical activities used to provide me with. In college too no one enforces that you do homework or assignments or study or even attend the lectures. Any commitments are to the degree my own mind must set them and therefore I can hypothetically blog and watch television all day every day if I so please.
I feel I need to reassert my commitment to my own life, not simply to this blog (which acts today as a symbol of forgotten commitments). I need to replace the emphasis on excellence and effort in all that I do from a success and self-esteem point of view. I also think it will encourage me to be more beneficial to those around me. Because, if i do not do it for the sake of benefiting myself, my well-being and the world at large, i must do it to relieve the guilt that ignoring my commitments-however seemingly insignificant-threatens to take me over completely.