Friday, 8 March 2013

Past me and future me

Sometimes I miss the older versions of me. Looking back I can see all my flaws that I was too young to really be aware of-for instance as a child I was a real know-it-all and in my early teenage years I thought I was much more mature than I was but I was actually a little bit superficial. Despite all the annoying traits I can think of I actually got on quite well. Even when I was bullied and even when I struggled with mental health issues I always had a good bunch of close friends and a wide circle of very pleasant acquaintances. Like anyone I've had plenty of times where I felt alone but when you are once again surrounded by people you remember how much you love them and how happy you are to have them and that they're willing to have you.
I used to feel that as I got older I would become more sure of myself but I realise now that ignorance, or rather naivety, is bliss. I'm nearly finished my teenage existence and I feel like an old woman full of regrets for the things she didn't do when she was younger and the things she didn't truly appreciate when she was younger. Growing up everything was very secure- I was, for most of my youth, quite happy with my physical appearance (or at least unconcerned with it-a miracle really given how I looked in 1st year!), I was always one of the top students in my class, I got on well with my peers, once I got my first kiss out of the way I was never really lonely in love and I always felt I had gifts and talents and a bright future ahead.
I think now that I'm in college I realise more and more how unprepared I am for adult life. I feel like I'm behind in the game for the first time in my life. I spent so much of my youth feeling ahead of my time and suddenly everything has flipped. It's hard to make friends and to be sure who is a friend who's an acquaintance, I can no longer tell the difference between guys being friendly and flirty. I not as secure in my own skin anymore. It's surreal really-I went to college to find myself and i feel more and more lost!
I know in my heart of hearts that I have piles of time to figure everything out and that missing the past is normal, being nervous about the future goes with the territory and that change can make you feel like everything is a bit up in the air-including yourself.

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