Saturday, 30 March 2013

Dark Thoughts

I am a worrier-I would probably label this as my worst vice. I can't help it (literally I have something wrong with me). I get stressed about doing things, not doing things, I over-think everything. I question why people want to spend time with me and why they don't; why people love me or why they have a problem with me. I trust people too easily- the only thing I never worry is that someone will let me down-I only worry about me being the one to let others down.
Humans are fascinating creatures as we seem to be built in such a way that our minds can forgive everyone but ourselves. I know that I personally seem to prefer to believe that I am a fuck up in any situation than to believe that it is the other person's fault. I don't think this makes me a doormat but I think it is a weakness of my character.
Because I feel I am so unforgiving of myself I like to be forgiving of others-it is a really pure feeling to accept someone regardless of any flaws you may notice-and even more so when you do it in spite of something. I guess because I am so aware of people's capacity for change I like to believe that anyone, no matter how flawed they seem or feel can accept themselves if I accept them. I definitely feel better about myself when I find a new friend or open up to someone or have someone open up to me. The confidence of another in you can fuel your confidence in yourself better than almost anything else I have come across.
I tend to think of everything psychologically, being a logical person I know in my heart there is a reason for everything and I like to stretch my mental muscles searching for these little motivations that drive our everyday emotions, habits and thoughts.
I admit that I worry sometimes about letting people see inside my head because I don't think many of those close to me would believe how many dark places there are in there. I refuse to be defined by my issues in the minds of others-it's enough that they define me in my own mind. I am an open person and if someone were to ask me I would give them the key to my Pandora's box of secret thoughts because I am privileged to have seen the dark places of so many people close to me-and have only thought the better of them because of it.
 People aren't made interesting by being darker than you think, they are made interesting by allowing their darkness to be a part of them without becoming them.

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