Yesterday I realized that I have an irrational fear I didn't realize I had.... commitment. As someone who has always been a serial monogamist this came as a surprise to me. But I'm not just afraid of commitment in my love life- I'm afraid of it in all the areas of my life.
A part of me perceives this commitment phobia as a manifestation of my need not to be defined by any one factor of my life or personality. I feel I need to always be juggling multiple roles and multiple identities, sister, daughter, friend, player, classmate, writer, student, artist, person. I can never commit myself to one hobby-its as though I'd rather be a jack of all trades than a master of one..
Another part of me knows that my new-found fear of commitment is really just the fear of hurting or being hurt... I love easily and fall in love almost as quickly but the factors of the world around you can make these simple things scary; doubt, lust , circumstance, stress, differences of opinion. I have loved many times but I guess I can say I've only been in love once. Since then I'm afraid that no one else will give me the same thing I had with my first love, on the other hand I'm afraid that some one will be able to give me the same things, but it means I have to leave that first love behind to open myself to something new. I've never been able to pursue a feeling, the feeling and the person has always found me. I'm afraid to commit any feeling to someone in case they bail on me, and maybe because part of me is still committed to my first love and I'm not ready to let that go yet.
I've finally begun to understand why men are afraid of commitment, it leaves you open to hurt and to hurting someone and it closes you to opportunities with people who you might not yet have found potential in.